In the past two weeks I have observed several incidents of children throwing a good ole’ fashioned proverbial temper tantrum. Two of the incidents were in supermarket aisles, one was in a restaurant and another occurred in a park. In each case I fondly remembered those parenting moments where I was confronted with a screaming, oppositional child in public. Looking back, I now think that in those moments I was probably worried about what other people were thinking about me as a parent more than I was worried about what my child was doing. When we are with an out of control child in public we often believe that everybody is judging us as being good or bad parents.
Virtually every parent will say that at some point in the lives of their children they had to face the dreaded “meltdown” of a temper tantrum. Sometimes publically embarrassing, often times nerve wracking, and always an unwelcomed behavior(s) to respond to, temper tantrums have a way of making most parents feel woefully inadequate and often times leaving them angry or frustrated with their child.
Developmentally, temper tantrums are prevalent between the ages of 2 and 4 years of age. Most young children have either occasional or persistent temper tantrums during this stage of life and some children will demonstrate their temper or frustration at an even younger age. They may throw themselves on the floor, kick, cry, shout, hit, bite, and even hold their breath. Tantrums probably mean (as a form of communication) that the child is overcome with frustration or anger.
While child temper tantrums may leave a parent “shaking their head” over what to do about this troubling [and annoying] behavior, most tantrums can be managed. Temper tantrum management requires that a parent understands what the tantrum may be about, works hard and smart to prevent behaviors from boiling over into a full blown tantrum, and responds correctly when setting limits for unacceptable behaviors.
A good way to begin thinking more developmentally or “clinically” about temper tantrums is to think about your young child having to negotiate external dynamics like: sensory stimulation, social triggers, communication problems, and interests along with internal factors like: emotions, pain, fatigue, hunger, stress, food sensitivities and coordination difficulties- while not having the capacity or adequate coping mechanisms to deal effectively on their own with any of the above.
Emotional and behavioral regulation is our goal for our children- so how we think about it with our younger children will help become the foundation to their future ability to have internal locus of control over these issues
This blog will serve in part as a Temper Tantrum 101 course for parents interested not just in stopping the behavior, but using these temper moments to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and behaviors on their own as they grow.
As a child matures we want them to gain adequate internal capacity to behave- not because of an external barrier stopping them from misbehaving- but because they have learned to limit themselves from tantruming. The following are some quick and easy suggestions to help you understand, prevent and limit a temper tantrum with your child.
Tantrums may happen when a child is:
- Tired, hungry, uncomfortable, or not feeling well, is too warm or cold, reacting to scratchy or tight clothes, or wanting independence (“I can do it myself.”), (even if they cannot).
- Frustrated (sharing toys, unable to do a task, wants something that they cannot have).
- Not given enough age appropriate structure (changing rules, no regular routine), or may be used to getting their own way.
- Expected to do more than he is developmentally capable of doing (such as sitting quietly for too long). Asked to stop an activity and do another (e.g. stop playing and get dressed).
To prevent tantrums:
- Watch for signals from your child. Parents usually know when a child is tired, hungry, or needing a break from too much activity. Most often a child will “telegraph” to a parent that they are ready to have an emotional/behavioral meltdown
- Make sure that your child has a nap when he is tired, and a light snack or a meal when he needs food and that they have appropriate bed times that are adhered to routinely and consistently.
- If your child is getting too wound up and needs help to relax you might sit and read to him/her, or give them a bath. Rowdy activities should be followed by quiet activities. Parents must learn the “art” of setting age appropriate and reasonable limits which may be the number one defense against ongoing and persistent tantrum behavior.
- Find out if your expectations for your child’s behavior are too high or low. Modify if necessary.
- Plan activities for the family around the child’s routines when possible. While there certainly will be times when a parent must have their child’s routine interrupted, understand that forcing your agenda onto your child may be enough of a provocation for them to become frustrated or angry. With all activities involving your child, plan ahead as much as possible.
- Before asking a child to stop one activity and start another, give a few minutes warning to help the child prepare for the change. This may prevent a tantrum.
- It is most important to always check yourself to make sure you are using age appropriate limits, structure and routines with your child.
When a tantrum occurs:
- Because all children are different and the reasons for tantrums vary, you will need different ways to handle tantrums with your children.
- Try to remain calm. (This may be difficult but it is the most important parent rule) Any upset or anger that you show will most likely be mimicked by your child and fuel their fire to act out.
- Tentatively name what you think the child is feeling. (“It is frustrating when the toy doesn’t work.”) This helps the child to understand what he is feeling and may give him words to use to express that feeling.
- Redirect the child’s attention to something else. (If he is upset because he cannot climb on the cabinets, find him a safe place to practice climbing).
- There may be times that, after trying the above, the child is still very upset and needs to release his or her frustrations. At this point you may choose to give the child some space. This allows the child to calm down and you to keep your frustrations in check. (“l can see you are very angry. I am going to leave you alone until you calm down.”) Time outs at this age should be measured and monitored. Too long of a timeout will only add to a child’s frustration.
- Once the child begins to calm down, a parent may offer to comfort the child. Being out of control can be very scary for the child. However, if the child is not ready when you offer comfort, wait until he/she is ready.
- Depending on the personality of the child, he may want to be held, talked to, distracted, or simply left alone until he is ready to interact on his own.
- When a tantrum occurs in a public place, you may need to look for a quiet place, such as your car, for you and your child to take a break until he is back in control.
- There are some situational tantrums where the child’s behavior demands direct limitation and needs to meet an “unmovable” adult who will directly stop the tantrum. This type of tantrum response is necessary when a child is hurting themselves or others. The parent should begin with a firm “No that is not allowed”. In some cases when a firm No doesn’t work, a parent may have to physically limit a child by holding them back until the tantrum runs its course. This is a last ditch response and should only be used when a child is completely out of control and may do harm to himself or others.
- Most tantrums, especially with younger children, are motivated by developmental frustrations or acting out- aimed at pushing a parents “buttons”. These temper outbursts need limit setting but a parent has many more options with these types of tantrums and should always aim their response at helping the child learn to control their own behavior over time as they mature.
Remember:
- Sometimes adults have fits and have emotional/behavioral outbursts too. We sometimes stomp our feet, slam doors, shout, throw things or drive too fast. One of the ways children learn how to manage strong emotions is by watching us handle ours!
- A tantrum is a child’s way of communicating his strong emotions which he is learning to handle.
- Typically, children’s temper tantrums decrease as their use of language and coping abilities increase. Use a lot of explanation with your children; help them to understand how they can communicate via language instead of behavior.
- You cannot reason with a child in the middle of a tantrum. So wait!
- Just as adults want to share their frustrations with someone, so do young children. That is why they seldom tantrum alone. An audience can fuel a temper tantrum.
Finally:
Try to stay calm – do not argue, yell or try to ‘talk sense’ to your toddler. (1-3 years).
For a preschooler, (3-5 years), you can increase his/her sense of control by using “when… then” (e.g. “When you are finished yelling, then we will go outside”).
Stay near your child as needed to protect him/her from getting hurt, harming others or breaking things.
Some children respond to firm, but gentle holding, others may become more agitated when you approach them physically. Know what your child responds to in this regard. Never try to out muscle or out shout your child.
If you are in a public place, gently pick your child up and carry him/her to a quiet area until they calm down.
Do not “give in” to your child’s demand because of a tantrum. Stay calm, stay firm and as much as it’s possible- ignore tantrums, they will often extinguish themselves.
A special note to the panic-stricken parents of “breath-holders”. Some children hold their breath until they turn blue. Do not shake your child to get him/her to breathe. Children will resume breathing on their own.
Acknowledge your own feelings of anger, guilt and embarrassment. Temper tantrums can easily frustrate even the most “seasoned” parent.
Never take out your anger on your child.
Ensure that your child is in a safe place (crib or playpen) and give yourself a “time-out” when needed post tantrum.
Take a few deep breaths. Be mindful that these tantrum behaviors are developmentally temporary.
If you are really tense, and feel you cannot cope, always feel free to ask for some help.
At times you will need to be firm with an acting out child. But, most importantly, never allow your frustrations to become counter-hostile toward your child. Hitting a child to stop a tantrum is wrong and yelling at them to stop- is not effective. Parents at all times must be in control to help their child who is out of control.
To sum it all up: Moments of being out of control are normal in young children since they often lack feeling awareness or expressive language. You can begin to limit these moments by setting age appropriate controls and expectations on your child and reinforcing them positively when they exhibit some level of control response. Most children outgrow their need to express themselves via temper tantrums as they mature. By the time they are school age children [by and large] have enough regulation over their behavior and emotions to handle their environments and frustrations with their words.
The time a child spends tantruming is brief in the larger scheme of things. Always follow the mantra of “catch them being good” and reinforce that positive behavior when it occurs. Over time you will find this working more to your advantage than having to put out the fire of repeated temper tantrums. Enjoy and love your children- even when they give up control for a little while…maybe especially at those times.
Be well, joe cozzo
