I remember every Christmas my son Josh, once he turned around 6 years of age, would ask me straight out if there was a Santa Claus. Every time I would gently ask him what he thought or what he heard about Santa. I was often tempted to and explain to him the Santa myth but each year I followed his lead on his level of interest in believing [or not about] Santa. At this age he still wanted to sit on Santa’s lap, the real Santa, that is, the one at the mall with the best decorations, not those impostors who showed up at various places, and he delighted in waking up on Christmas morning and finding the milk and cookies that he left for Santa gone and replaced with a handwritten note to him from the man in the Red Suit.
It’s going to happen to every parent who has ever introduced their children to the wonders of Santa Claus. When that dreaded day arrives and your child asks “Is Santa Claus Real?”… What do you say?
There’s really no one right time to tell children that there is no Santa Claus. The important thing is to take your cues from your child and not try to prolong the fantasy for your own enjoyment when they may be ready to give it up.
For many children, finding out, or coming to realize that there is no Santa Claus, is often one of the very first developmental losses that they will have to deal with. The age at which children stop believing in Santa is variable, and depends much on the way the myths of Santa Claus are presented (if they are in fact presented) in the home. Remember your child may go to school and have classmates who do not believe in Santa due to other religious beliefs or may in fact have found out from an older sibling that there actually is no jolly guy called Santa.
Some children are told the basics of the myth, that Santa is real, comes to their homes on Christmas night, rewards good behavior and punishes bad, and has many magical attributes. When this is the primary teaching many children stop believing in Santa at around the age of eight or nine, though this will vary. As a child’s brain grows, and as they gain some life experience, they begin to acquire a certain amount of logic and reasoning skills. At this point they may begin to figure it out on their own or start to question the existence of Santa when they see presents in the closet before Christmas, or note that all gifts are addressed in Mom or Dad’s handwriting.
Peer relationships may also cause speculation, since children will encounter other children who don’t believe, or who have already been told the “truth.” Some children stop believing in Santa when assured by another child he doesn’t exist. Alternately, they may notice Santa is not universal as they acquire friends who don’t celebrate Christmas. They might also note disparity between the gifts they receive and those received by friends with parents on different budgets- all of which adds to the cognitive confusion that develops as the child grows older.
When your child reaches an age where you think they are on the “cusp” of believing or not, the best rule of thumb is to follow the child’s lead in this regard. Ask what the child believes. Just because the child is asking questions doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she is emotionally ready to believe the truth. Asking, “Well, what do you think?” will give you an idea of where the child is both emotionally and cognitively. If the child still believes in Santa, despite any outside doubts, it’s not time yet.
Children have different and varied reactions to finding out that Santa is not real. When some children learn the truth about Santa Claus and stop believing in him they can feel betrayed, angry or lied to by their parents. It matters very much how parents have presented Santa. There are many opinions on the merits or the disadvantages of deliberately involving children in a myth you know not to be true. Some parents hedge and represent Santa as the spirit of giving, so that all giving has a little bit of Santa in it. Usually when children stop believing in Santa as a physical being, or never have believed in him in this way, viewing Santa more as imaginative play, failure to believe or figuring it out doesn’t normally impact as hard. Other children, who really have a concrete image in their mind of Santa, may be absolutely devastated when this belief is taken from them, and yet others may feel smart or validated that they figured it out.
Naturally, parents want to avoid causing unnecessary emotional developmental pain when children stop believing in Santa, so how the presentation of Santa is played out in the family is an important factor in adjustment. Presentation may run contrary to the many Christmas movies and Christmas cartoons that assert and reassert Santa’s existence, so you have to weigh carefully which of these to allow, and what discussions could take place around this issue. It’s also a good idea to be somewhat noncommittal on the issue, instead of committing to a “full lie”. Allow children to tell you what they believe, and let them believe as long as they’d like. As they age, and usually well before they hit their preteens they may have figured out Santa as it best works for them. You might tell them everybody needs to decide personally, what and how to believe.
There are some children and adults who never stop believing, especially when they view Santa as the spirit of Christmas, and an extension of some of the religious or cultural expressions of this special day. People with this view get to be Santa, and contribute to the mythos of Santa through their kind and generous actions. When children stop believing in Santa and express disillusion in the myth, you might consider teaching them how to play Santa and be Santa in their own generous actions. Enlist them in charitable work, like picking out or distributing toys to children who may not have as much and share with them the joy of getting to act like Santa during the holidays and throughout the year.
In summary, above all be sensitive to the fact that some children will experience the realization of the Santa myth as loss and may feel emotional pain or minor depression in relation to that loss. Others may act it out and blame their parents for lying to them. Others still may transition without any difficulty in finding out that Santa is not a real person as they had thought or believed. In all cases try to focus your child on the spirit of giving, of the family support and closeness and hope that Christmas and the Holidays affords us all at this time of year. The Santa story can be a wonderful experience for you and your child…I think there is something profoundly beautiful about the way the world is seen through the eyes of a child at this time of year. They truly see the magic that the season offers us through the joy and hope they experience as they await Christmas.
Remember, you could also do what we did in our family after explaining that there is no Santa and helping Josh figure it out and come to accept that hard, cold reality fact…Mom and Dad believe that there’s no proof that he isn’t real and during the Christmas Season…“BELIEVE” is the mantra of our household! Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love…
I wish you and your families a holiday season full of joy and peace along with the thrill of hope as our weary world rejoices and celebrates the light and goodness of the season.
Be well, joe cozzo
